To Hold You Again
by Dita
Summary: M/S angst. Set after first season, but before second season. Reviews are appreciated!


The room is so quiet without her. Absolutely silent, occupied only by shadows and ghosts...and of course...me. I sit on the bed, waiting for her to return from her ship duties. To return and end the silence. I need her warmth, I need to feel her, to hold her tonight.  
  
My head snaps up as I hear the door creak open. She walks in...my sorceress, my Maeve. Her beautiful red hair has been cropped quite close to her head. Shorter than my own hair even. I remember my shock the first time I saw her like that . The first time I saw her after....  
  
It doesn't matter. She's beautiful anyway...hair or no hair. I love her.  
  
She enters the room without even casting a glance in my direction. Even in the worst fights we've had, I can't remember feeling this isolated from her. I sigh and stand up, watching her change into her nightshirt....one of my shirts. I wish for the millionth time that things had happened differently. I wish I hadn't been so foolish! I wish..I had told her. But then...there are a lot of things I wish that will never be. I have to stop thinking that way.  
  
My blue eyes track her every movement to the bed, she's so beautiful, so perfect...so Maeve. I can watch her for hours and never get tired...she's so beautiful.  
  
She pulls the covers back and climbs in. Her face is blank, like she's deep in thought...or trying not to think perhaps. I wonder if I should wait for an invitation, or just join her.  
  
"Maeve," I whisper her name, not expecting or receiving any reply. Allah! I've been so stupid! I deserve this, but she doesn't. I never knew how much she cared for me. Why did it have to happen like this...  
  
Silently I join her on the bed. Her back is to me, so I wrap my arm around her waist. That's when I feel her body trembling. She's crying into her pillow, and I know I am the cause. I curse myself once more for my stupidity. I whisper calm reassurances into her hair, telling her how much I love her, desperately trying to give her some comfort. But to no avail. She cannot feel me. She cannot hear me. I have no comfort to give her. I am dead. And it's all my fault.  
  
As her sobs increase, my own self loathing rises with it. If only I hadn't been so stubborn. If only I had listened to her then. Allah I am such a fool! I hate to see her like this, it tears at my heart to know how much I've hurt her.  
  
Sometimes I wish she'd just forget about me and move on. She can't keep doing this to herself, blaming herself. It's been 3 months since my...death. It still sounds strange to me. Death...my death...I am dead. My punishment for not listening to her must be to sit idly by and watch those I love suffer. Why else would I be here? With them.  
  
I've journeyed into Doubar's cabin a few times, back when I first died. He took it pretty hard. Blamed himself, and the world. Able to do nothing else, I sat by him one sleepless night and told him everything I thought he needed to hear. I know he couldn't hear me, but I think he got my message anyway. I think he's a peace now. As are Firouz and Rongar. Truly the best friends I could have ever wished for. I had a good life, it may have ended early....but it was good.  
  
I held off on visiting Maeve at first. I didn't want to see her. I couldn't bring myself to see her. She warned me, she'd seen it before it happened, and I passed it off as her being over-careful. That first night I when I went to see her, I wasn't even sure what to expect from her. I was actually worried that she'd still be mad at me.....  
  
**Flashback**  
  
"Sinbad, I'm telling you she's not what she pretends to be!"  
  
"And you're a lot more paranoid than you pretend to be Maeve." I said with a smile, trying to get her angry. I loved to get her riled up.  
  
"Why do you always have to be so thick headed!! I sense evil in that woman Sinbad"  
  
"Maeve, you have no reason to be jealous" I joked with her.  
  
"She intends to do you harm." She responded firmly, not joking. "Doesn't that matter to you? Or are you that blinded by a pretty face?!?!"  
  
"What? Where are you Maeve? I can't see you?"  
  
"Very funny Sinbad, but you won't be laughing when that woman sinks her claws into you. And don't think for one second that I'll shed one tear for you sailor if you get yourself killed chasing after that banshee!!!!!!"  
  
"C'mon Maeve, I'm just kidding with you...and I'm not interested in her anyway" But it was too late, she had already left my company.  
  
"I"LL BE VERY CAREFUL," I shouted after her, but she never turned around. She didn't even flip her hair at me... .I knew she was feeling slightly jealous. And inwardly it excited me. I cared nothing for the woman, and gave her little encouragement, but if she was making Maeve jealous..well, all the better. I walked back into the tavern.smiling to myself over Maeve.  
  
**Flashback to present**  
  
That was the last time I saw her. The last time I spoke to her. The last moment I had with her.the one woman I had ever loved. I honestly thought she'd hold true to her promise not to cry for me. I never realized just how much she cared for me.  
  
I was astounded to find her crying on the floor of her cabin that first night. I think it would have been easier if she had stayed mad at me. I hated myself that night....and every night since. My beautiful sorceress, reduced to tears...over me. And it tore at my soul, the very fabric of my being...when I heard her whisper those words to me.those words I had only dreamed of hearing; that I had agonized over speaking out loud to her. I died again that night, knowing what I had lost forever. The anguish twisted in the pit of my stomach. How could I have been so blind. So stubborn. So scared.  
  
I love her. With every breath in my being I loved her. During all our travels I had been in love with her, I know that now. But she never will.and she needs to know.  
  
Her sobs subside slowly, she's falling asleep in my arms. I hold her to me, but it gives neither of us any comfort. She is the only thing I want, the only thing I have ever wanted...she is the reason why my soul will never find peace.  
  
The End. 


End file.
